Learning To Say No...Sometimes!

I love learning!  Let me repeat...I LOVE learning!  There are lessons learned that I like more than others, but I like expanding my knowledge base and challenging my gray matter!  OK, too many exclamation points, but that is how I feel!!!

Learning some things is certainly easier than learning other things.  But you already knew that, huh?

There is one thing I have been wanting to learn for many years now.  How to say "no".  I had a boss many years ago that tasked me with saying 'no' to every salesman I had contact with for an entire week.  I had just been promoted and being able to say 'no' seemed like a silly thing.  What if they offered an wondrous deal?  What if it was a limited time offer?  But, I completed the task.  I would listen to the pitch, ask questions and then say 'no'.  Was that ever hard!  I felt foolish at first, but as the week went by I began to see my boss's way of thinking.  Even wondrous deals or limited time offers don't always deserve an answer in the affirmative.  Being able to see beyond the snap judgement was a great thing.

So, I had learned to say 'no'.  Right?  Well, yes and no.  I don't jump at every offer and I can tell you that early experience taught me that all deals are not as wondrous as they might initially seem and even limited time offers can magically be extended.  Learning to say 'no' in those situations helped my career and my personal life.  How many moms have said 'no' to one of their children to have the retort, "You're mean!" thrown at them?  I count myself in that group!  But saying 'no' to a child is not as easy as saying it to an adult, especially if that adult is your boss.

I am a people-pleaser.  I want to do things that others ask of me; I want people to be happy and think well of me.  Even so, being able to say 'no' can save your sanity.

"No, I can't work 2 hours past my scheduled quit time."  "No,  I can't add one more task to my day."  You get the idea.  The list is long and I am sure we have all found ourselves in that position.  This is your boss asking, maybe telling you that something has to be done and now.  I am not suggesting saying 'no' all the time or even most of the time.  I just want to learn to be clear about the expectation held out to me. 

The reason for this topic?  I am running myself ragged!  I love my job, but I am there more and more well past quitting time and my reward?  More tasks to be completed in the same time that I am to perform my normal duties.  I can't throw my hands in the air, so I will be practicing saying 'no', but being clear that I want to get all the work done, but just not right this moment.  I don't think this makes me a bad employee, I think it keeps me happy about my job and not hitting the streets in search of one with less stress. 

Tomorrow is Monday and when I get to work I will add one more task to things I want to get done everyday.  Learning to say 'no'. 

The Hopeful Romantic

Hoping is sometimes just not enough!

A few days ago a man came into my office.  I had met him before, but this day he looked beaten down.  I didn't remember much about him (I had met him just once before and only very briefly), but I did remember he was a bit more "up" the last time.  My natural tendency is to want to help people, but I am loathe to impose my notion of how to live life onto others.  As he told me in general terms that life was not good for him or his family right now I felt rather at a loss.  I couldn't fix whatever was wrong; I could only offer a friendly smile and wish him well.  Just to clarify, he had not come to my office for help, but I found out more years ago than I can remember that I seem to be one of those people that others confide in.  People tell me their secrets.  I don't know why, but I do my best to honor them even if they don't ask me not to tell.  Sometimes we just need someone to listen, not someone to offer up answers.

After the man had left my office I found myself recalling the encounter several times.  I wished I had more time to share how life had been particularly hard for my family and me for several years and how I had finally come to my own realization that despairing about it only magnified the worst parts and left me precious little time to see anything good.

More and more I try to focus on the more positive side of life.  I recognized something about myself years ago...I need time to "fall apart".  Then after a time of tears or dread  I can formulate a plan of action.  The initial reaction to something unpleasant of despair gives me the opportunity to flush the nasty feelings so I can move on to something more productive.

I look for solutions to my situation and if one if not readily apparent, I focus on the good things in my life.  One word I have recently focused on is 'hope'.  Hope is good, but if you want something to change 'hoping' is sometimes just not enough!  I am reexamining how I use the word and looking for something that describes more how I want to live my life.  When I say 'hopefully' I feel I am putting to much emphasis on something I can't control and less on what I can really do about it.

So, back to the man who came into my office.  I will not judge his situation, but thank him for helping me to see a new way of looking at things...with hope, but not hopefully!

The Hopeful Romantic

Cilantro pesto...yum! (and a new salad dressing!)

OK, I have been reading a lot lately about people who don't like cilantro.  I am not one of those people!  There are certainly things I don't like to eat, but I LOVE cilantro! 

I look for ways to use it, I love it so much!

Just recently in the comments on Ree Drummond's blog (thepioneerwoman.com)  I found that pesto does not need to just about basil.  Turns out "pesto" comes from pestare which means 'to crush'.  Oil based pasta sauces with herbs and garlic.  How could you go wrong?!

Anyway, the comment in Ree's blog had a recipe for cilantro pesto or sauce.  I got right up from the computer after reading that entry and headed to the kitchen.  (You see, I almost always have cilantro in the veggie drawer!)  I whipped together a batch and,wowee, was it ever good!  Flavorful, mouth watering, just plain yummy!  I tasted a bit off a spoon, but I think this pesto is better with something.  I plopped some on a burger, no bun thanks, and my mouth was in ecstasy! 

I have been struggling to find a salad dressing I like that does not have preservatives, sugar and a bunch of salt.  I use Celtic Sea Salt and I have yet to find a salad dressing that does.  So I got some plain Greek yogurt out of the fridge, added in some of the cilantro pesto, a squeeze of lemon juice, a bit of salt and pepper and voila!, a new salad dressing.  So, so good.  I served it that night to my family and even my husband who lives on Ranch dressing liked it! 

The pesto only keeps for a few days, but it is so easy to make!  Here is recipe from Cooks Illustrated-

CILANTRO SAUCE
• 2 bunches cilantro , stem ends trimmed (about 2 1/2 lightly packed cups)
• 1/2 cup olive oil (see note)
• 4 teaspoons juice from 1 lime
• 2 medium garlic cloves , minced or pressed through a garlic press (about 2 teaspoons)
**• 1/2 teaspoon sugar
• Salt and ground black pepper

Pulse all ingredients in a food processor until cilantro is chopped but still has some texture, about 10 to 15 seconds, scraping down the sides of the bowl as necessary. Season with salt and pepper to taste. May be covered and refrigerated for up to two days.

**I did NOT add the sugar!  I loved the taste without it and I am trying very hard to avoid sugar.  If I had thought it needed some sweetness, I would have used honey. 

Here is to cilantro pesto and all things yummy!

The Hopeful Romantic

Motivation!

Or maybe the title should be "Lack of Motivation!"

When I have time to myself and nothing that I HAVE to do, I sometimes have a hard time deciding what to do.

I certainly have a long list of things I could do, but there are times that none of them call to me.  There is sewing I could do.  Creating is fun, but what I really like is mending or making something over from what it was originally.  Change the sleeves on a blouse, tailor a pair of pants to fit better, etc.

Cooking is always on the list!  I LOVE to cook, but sometimes I am just not in the mood to cut, chop, saute or roast.

Cleaning house.  Now there is something I am not overly fond of, but when I can step back from a task completed I like what I see and how I feel!

Gardening - well, since I never started this year it is probably not calling to me very loudly.  Although I do like weeding and pruning.  It is rather like cleaning and the same "sense of accomplishment" feeling.

This doesn't happen often that I am at a loss for what to do.  Right now I think my choices are more centered on the idea that my sweet husband is working nights and I really want him to get uninterrupted sleep.  I know how I feel if I don't sleep well, so my actions are guided by "What is the most quiet thing I can do that I WANT to do. 

The little voice in the back of my head says reading or watching TV are choices, too.  I could do those things, but I want to doing something that involves movement!  Hmm, now there is an idea!  MP3 player on my belt, music in my ears and dancing!  Yes, that is it! 

I could tell you that was none of the original choices, but then I wouldn't be dancing! 

la la la, cha, cha, cha!

The Hopeful Romantic 

The Trouble With Blogging

Hmm, rather sounds like a book title...or just what popped into my head when I saw the date of my last entry.

I started this blog because I had so many things I wanted to say.  Problem is, I tend to edit myself before I get anywhere near the keyboard!

Going through my day, something I am thinking about will whisper, "blog" and I begin to write in my head. 

Then comes the edits.  Too much information, not enough information, too personal, not personal enough, and so on and so forth. 

Am I writing for myself?  Absolutely!  Writing for anyone else?  Good question and not one I have an answer for.

When I think about the blogs I read and what attracts me to that particular blog, I tend to find more is good.  I am interested in other people and their stories.  Just not sure where that leaves me.  Hence, the trouble with blogging!

There!  Out of my head and out there for anyone who is interested.

The Hopeful Romantic

Journaling

Recently I have come across a couple of my old journals.  I couldn’t resist sitting down and reading a bit.  Ok, more than just a bit.  I read every page!  There weren’t that many pages to read though.  It seems I start with the best of intentions to put the journal down or away never to come back to it.  Well, almost never.

The one I re-read a couple of times since I rediscovered it began before I even was pregnant with my first child.  (She just celebrated her 23^rd birthday recently!)  I recognize the woman writing the entries even I don’t really remember the feelings she committed to paper.  But then I suppose that is what journals are for.  I was pretty good at recording dates and other significant data so in some ways reading those old entries awakens old memories.  Pretty interesting stuff!

For the past several days I have kept one of the journals on my bedside table with the intention of journaling again.  Today was the day.  I put pen to paper and hopefully I will not be reading today’s entry years from now and thinking again how long this one journal is going to last with only a odd entry every few years!

The Hopeful Romantic

Capable

Over the last several days I have been watching Sarah Ferguson’s reality show about finding herself (thanks to whoever invented the DVR!).  I did not know when I began watching how much it would affect me; how much it would make me look at who I really am; how much of my soul would be laid open and how raw it really was.

Like Sarah, for years I have spoken of my mother and her death rather openly, but hiding the pain of her leaving.  Yes, leaving!  She was sick, too sick to stay here on Earth, but she left me just the same.  I was 17 and rather sheltered.  I did not know I was sheltered.  Can we ever really know something like that when we are in the midst of it?  I was capable, but incapable at the same time.  I could do well at school.  I could cook and clean.  I could talk to others, but it was awkward and I didn’t really relate to them.  I said what I thought people wanted to hear.  I even said things that I thought I wanted to hear.  I tried to put a positive spin on things.  Even to the extent of telling myself (and others a few times) that it was probably better than my mom had died when she had.  She was in pain and there was no promise of her being well ever again.  I even said it was better for me that she was gone because I had to learn to rely on myself away from the shelter she provided. 

Back then I was so good at putting on a capable face that adults often told me how “together” I was.  Together, ha!  I was a whirling pool of emotions, unsure of myself, but able to put forth someone that others saw as “together”.  It was something else I was capable of.  Amazing how good we can be at showing others what we think they want to see, what they will accept.

When someone told me I had it “together”, I would be puzzled.  I could not have felt less “together”.  I was scared, that is what I was!  Scared of doing the wrong thing, scared people wouldn’t like me, scared of not being loved.  I was so scared that I kept my head down, avoided eye contact, and even crossed the street to avoid having the come upon a person walking in the opposite direction! 

People that know me now can’t believe that I would do such a thing.  I am appear assured.  Am I really?  I struggle with that.  I am capable of so much more than I was at 17, but am I really assured?  People comment on my confidence in situations and again I wonder what they see that I don’t. 

Dr. Phil McGraw is helping Sarah Ferguson on her journey of self discovery.  He told her something that keep playing on the recorder that runs in the back of my in the quiet times when I think about my life.  He told her that people write on the slate of who we are as children, but the worst thing is for us to write bad things on our own slates.  Of course as a parent I am only too aware of how we write on our children’s slates.  We teach them, mold them, and influence them.  I just hadn’t thought about how we continue to write on our own slates. 

Wow!  Self deprecation is the first thing that comes to mind.  I thought that was a good thing, that it was being humble!  Not true!  I went to the dictionary and found “belittling or undervaluing oneself; excessively modest.”  Modest, hmm, not so bad, but when I read undervaluing I saw myself.  Every time I say or see myself in a way that is self deprecating I am belittling myself, undermining my own worth!  I can tell myself I am good, kind, fun, funny, etc, etc, but belittling thoughts and actions work against seeing the good.

I have to let go of anything that goes against the person I see myself as and the person I want to be.  My work is cut out for me.  The journey begins!