Friday, December 23, 2016

A Day Without Tears

That day was yesterday.  I can't really say why I didn't cry, but I didn't.  I think this makes a total of two days that I have not cried since I lost Don.  The first was just a few weeks after he was gone and now I add yesterday.

The first time I was so very busy that I didn't even notice until late in the day that I had not cried.  I do remember feeling guilty.  I still miss Donny like crazy.  Numerous times each day things happen that bring that loss front and center.  I won't try to analyze the guilty feeling.

Yesterday I was not extraordinarily busy.  It was a work day and I had a bit of last minute Christmas shopping to get done.  I am getting better about being alone in public.  I still tend to not meet the eyes of other shoppers.  If I ran into someone I knew I am not sure if the tears would appear or not.  Anyway, work, then shopping, home to take care of my animals, fix my dinner, etc.  Several times I thought about how I hadn't cried.

Today I cried just a bit on the phone with my youngest daughter talking about Donny.  Just a side note - I am a crier.  I cry for happiness, sadness, frustration, sappy commercials and any time I feel the passion about something well up inside of me.  I would tear up telling someone how I loved Donny...and this was when he was still alive!  Little wonder that I cry now.

I am still finding my way in this new life of mine.  Mostly I just go with the flow and then notice something is different later.  Even writing this on Don's laptop instead of my desktop computer.  Not really worth mentioning, just something that I thought of earlier today.  When Don was still here I would rarely use the laptop.  Either he was using it or just my own reluctance because the keyboard is not my norm.  Interesting what we can do when there is little choice, hmm?

Everyone tells me that I have a long way to go in this process of grieving.  I am sure that I do.  A day without tears is only part of this journey.  I will continue doing what feels right.  I don't know what each new brings, but I am open.  Open to remembering Don and how he filled my life.  Open to learning more about me.  Open to what the world holds for me.  After all, I am The Hopeful Romantic!

Thanks for listening,

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