Moving Forward

Honestly the list of things I miss now that Donny is gone could stretch on forever.  This is just something I was thinking of today.  A couple of months ago thinking this would have made me sad. Now I feel glad to add to the list.  One of the things I thought of today was that Donny and I used to text each other.  Probably a lot of couples do.  Sometimes sweet and mushy and sometimes just a reminder of what was needed from the grocery store.  I still find myself reaching for my phone in anticipation of a text from him.  So you can probably understand why I still have all of his texts to me saved.  His phone is gone, but I have our conversations on my phone.  They help me through this grief of mine.

Did I tell you before that I read the list of the stages of grief?  I thought it would be a guide to what was going to happen.  Nope, not for me, it wasn't.  After reading the list I found that I was trying to pinpoint what stage I was experiencing and what was next.  Yeah, well it doesn't work that way, not for me anyway.  There is no this step, now that step.  It is more like this step, that step, back to the previous step and so on.  I found I was putting more thought into what phase I was in instead of actually dealing with the greif.  A sort of defensive mechanism.  I was so busy sorting out stages I wasn't grieving.

Not grieving sounds lovely, but it is important.  Gotta do it, it is just that simple.  Grieving, for me, isn't just crying although that is certainly part of the process.  Grieving was thinking about Donny and my life with him and how I was now that he is not here.  I say "was" because that was grieving not so long ago.  Now my grieving is different.  I still cry, not as much as I did, but I am finding my feet under me more and more.  I am still wobbly at times.  I will go through a day or days of feeling like I can stand and breathe and then a wave of emotion will wash over me.  Sometimes I tear up and sometimes I dissolve into tears.  I was trying to predict what would trigger those waves, but I found that just going with the flow was better.

I am finding my new normal...my new routines of life.  I find solace in the things it takes to get me through my days.  Little things.  Things like using my GPS app on my phone to get someplace I know how to get to.  The new routes build on this life I live now that I have lost my best guy.  Doing the same things I have always done made my sorrow so much more profound.  It seemed that the only thing different was that Donny wasn't here.

I am learning I am different, for good and bad.  The bad is obvious.  The good is getting to know myself more fully.  I listen to myself and keep moving to what feels right.  Just because I have 'always' done something in a certain way doesn't mean I need to continue that.  I am trying to be open to what the world has in store for me.  I am moving forward.  Moving on would mean leaving Donny behind.  He will be with me always, so I move forward, not on.  Part of this feeling 'right' was that Donny told me one of the things he loved most about me was my confidence.  Remembering that helps, especially when I am feeling scared, sad or lonely.  Donny once told me that our love would gone on until the end of time.  Yup, he was right.  Thank you Donny.

Thanks for reading,
The Hopeful Romantic

I Remember...

I have been writing to Donny since a couple of days after I lost him.  I write about whatever is on my mind at the time.  The following is from today's letter.

I have thought so many times since you died that I need to write down all the things you told me.  Not things like how to change the filter on the ice maker (I still remember how to do that!), but the sweet moments.  So I will pause in the middle of this letter to you to reminisce.
 I remember –

•  I told you that I was crazy about you and you told me you were mad about me.  (Every woman should be loved like that)

• You told me that falling in love with me was an endless spiral.  (See?  Such a romantic guy!!1)

•  Dancing in the kitchen while Alabama played on your laptop.  (One of “our” songs.)

• You holding my hand wherever we went.  I hope I told you how much that meant.

 Dang!  There are so many more things I wanted to record here, but now I am drawing a blank.  I started this letter more than an hour ago and I was sure I could fill a page or two without even trying. But then I took a break for the bathroom.  Another to let Thea (our dog)  out…and then back in!  And so on and so forth.

Losing my husband has been the hardest thing ever.  But, there are still sweet times and I wanted you to know that this was one of those.

Thank you for "listening".

The Hopeful Romantic

Notable Deaths of 2016

I have read that headline so often recently.  We are coming to the end of 2016 and we have lost so many people of note.  Every time I read one of those headlines I think, "Donny was a notable death." He was notable to me and to our family.  He didn't qualify to be part of the list that makes it online, but there is no loss felt more keenly by those that loved him.  There is such a hole in our lives and sadness seems to fill the space he had here in our lives.

As I read of one more celebrity that has died my thoughts go to their loved ones in a way new to me. The sadness that I feel for these families now that I have lost Donny is of a more profound quality.  I am more aware of what losing someone can do to you.  We read about fans mourning, but now I think more of the people closest to that person and their grief.  We all grieve in our own way, but there is sure to be some overlap.  

My own sadness as I read of these notable deaths deepens.  I know how I am feeling and can only imagine the grief these people are going through.  People die all the time.  It is part of the cycle of life, but for me and maybe for others it is unique.  All around the world people have just lost someone, but to each of us it is a new place for us to inhabit.  We have to learn how to be in this world all over again.  We are born into this new world that is missing the person who made the world a better place, a place to look forward to, a place with joy and laughter.

So, I will add my best guy to each list of Notable Deaths of 2016.  Donald James Koller was my "notable" and I am awash in some of the same grief these other families must now find themselves wading through.

The Hopeful Romantic

A Day Without Tears

That day was yesterday.  I can't really say why I didn't cry, but I didn't.  I think this makes a total of two days that I have not cried since I lost Don.  The first was just a few weeks after he was gone and now I add yesterday.

The first time I was so very busy that I didn't even notice until late in the day that I had not cried.  I do remember feeling guilty.  I still miss Donny like crazy.  Numerous times each day things happen that bring that loss front and center.  I won't try to analyze the guilty feeling.

Yesterday I was not extraordinarily busy.  It was a work day and I had a bit of last minute Christmas shopping to get done.  I am getting better about being alone in public.  I still tend to not meet the eyes of other shoppers.  If I ran into someone I knew I am not sure if the tears would appear or not.  Anyway, work, then shopping, home to take care of my animals, fix my dinner, etc.  Several times I thought about how I hadn't cried.

Today I cried just a bit on the phone with my youngest daughter talking about Donny.  Just a side note - I am a crier.  I cry for happiness, sadness, frustration, sappy commercials and any time I feel the passion about something well up inside of me.  I would tear up telling someone how I loved Donny...and this was when he was still alive!  Little wonder that I cry now.

I am still finding my way in this new life of mine.  Mostly I just go with the flow and then notice something is different later.  Even writing this on Don's laptop instead of my desktop computer.  Not really worth mentioning, just something that I thought of earlier today.  When Don was still here I would rarely use the laptop.  Either he was using it or just my own reluctance because the keyboard is not my norm.  Interesting what we can do when there is little choice, hmm?

Everyone tells me that I have a long way to go in this process of grieving.  I am sure that I do.  A day without tears is only part of this journey.  I will continue doing what feels right.  I don't know what each new brings, but I am open.  Open to remembering Don and how he filled my life.  Open to learning more about me.  Open to what the world holds for me.  After all, I am The Hopeful Romantic!

Thanks for listening,
THR

Is This Normal?

Being newly widowed is not something you can prepare for.  Each day I do things I am familiar with in a new frame of mind.  Sometimes I pause to think about something being different.  I ask myself a lot if what I am doing is normal.  Is this what other widows do?

I think that feeling comes from the desire humans have to be accepted, to be one of the group, to fit in.  I certainly don't mean to tell you I want to "fit in" with being a widow.  I can't imagine anyone wants to be part of this group.  What I mean is, "Is what I am feeling/doing/experiencing normal?"

The first thing I remember asking myself if my feeling was normal was the idea of being called a widow.  I was one so why not?  For me it is such a sad word.  I was so much more than Don's wife, so why would my new title only reflect that he was gone?  Also, I didn't want people to look at me with pity in their eyes.  I know that people are sorry for my loss.  I get it.  I am sorry for other women who have lost their husbands.  After a few weeks I found that I spoke of myself as a widow.  Perhaps to remove some of the sting since I was the one who tagged myself as such.  Now, at just two months since I lost my best guy, I still can't say I like the title but I don't bristle at the idea.

I changed small things about how I live.  All the advise books will tell you not to make any big changes for 6 months or a year.  There was nothing huge, but I am trying my best to do what feels right.  After about a week of sleeping in our big king sized bed alone I moved to another bedroom. We have two unoccupied bedrooms so I tried one and then the other looking for some solace and some desperately needed sleep.  I could go to sleep easily enough, but I would wake in the small hours of the morning and would not be able to "turn my brain off."  While I was still in our bed I found myself thinking he was still there with me only to find cold sheets where once there was my fuzzy bear of a man.  Again I wondered if this was normal.  If I was normal.

There were other things that prompted me to wonder how normal I was.  As I began talking with friends who had been widowed I found that they had done much of what I was doing now.  So I was normal.  As normal as I could be.

I don't wonder about normalcy much now.  I know the time of being without Don is still new, but I feel as if I have my feet under me just a bit more today than two months ago.  This does not mean that I do not grieve for this man that filled my life.  I do and I think I always will.  One more thing that I think is normal.

The Hopeful Romantic

I Used To Look Forward To Weekends

There are two reasons for my recent posts.
1. an outlet for my feelings, emotions, thoughts, etc. about losing my husband
2. to let others in my situation an insight into how it can be

Some days are so tough to get through.  For me weekends are especially difficult.  Monday through Friday I go to work and have just a few hours each night to manage by myself.  In those hours I take care of my two cats and one dog, make food for my dinner and my lunch for the next day. prep my work clothes for the next day, plus whatever else I can attend to.  Pay bills, write thank you cards to people who have extended some kindness to me since Don died, laundry and so on and so forth,

Weekends are a whole other story.  I used to look forward to weekends like so many people do.  Not now.  Too much time by myself.  The quiet of the house doesn't help.  I try to keep the radio or TV on, but even that is not always enough.  I feel the sadness creeping up on me.  I imagine if I did something when I first noticed I could do something.  Sometimes I do. Sometimes I just let it happen.  Crying is not a bad thing, but feeling myself sinking into despair is a bad thing.  It becomes a downward spiral that is hard to stop.

Sometimes I tell myself to "fake it until you make it" and that can help.  Can being the operative word.  I will start something that I know I enjoy only to find that the sadness has other ideas.  The tears stream down my face.  Sometimes I sob, sometimes it is just tears, the endless tears.

I know it will not always be like this.  I try to focus on that.  I want to laugh, dance in the kitchen while I cook, smile at something that delights me.  I will.  I know I will.  Right now it is hard for me to see that time, but tomorrow I will wake and go on.

The Hopeful Romantic

Waves of Emotion

Maybe it is because I love the ocean so much that metaphors that draw upon characteristics of the sea appeal so much to me,  My grief since losing Donny is like the waves of the ocean.  Some are gentle and wash around me without much force.  Others knock me down and make it hard to breathe.

I had this notion in my head and then I read similar descriptions from others.  I feel comforted to know what I am feeling is not so different from others in my position,  Isn't it part of the human experience to want to be part of a group?

Today, without warning, was a big wave day.  It was also a work day for me and that helped me get through.  I help people and helping others helped me put one foot in front of the other.  This morning I felt like pulling the covers over my head.  By midday I was able to talk without a lump in my throat.

One thing I keep reading about grief is that it is not something you get over, but live through.  If I were to "get over" then today would have been so out of place because it was so much more difficult than yesterday.

So, one breath after another, one foot in from of the other I will get through.  I don't like that Don is gone and I will always miss him, but I will learn to live again.  Someday.

The Hopeful Romantic