Thursday, April 6, 2017

Moving Forward

Honestly the list of things I miss now that Donny is gone could stretch on forever.  This is just something I was thinking of today.  A couple of months ago thinking this would have made me sad. Now I feel glad to add to the list.  One of the things I thought of today was that Donny and I used to text each other.  Probably a lot of couples do.  Sometimes sweet and mushy and sometimes just a reminder of what was needed from the grocery store.  I still find myself reaching for my phone in anticipation of a text from him.  So you can probably understand why I still have all of his texts to me saved.  His phone is gone, but I have our conversations on my phone.  They help me through this grief of mine.

Did I tell you before that I read the list of the stages of grief?  I thought it would be a guide to what was going to happen.  Nope, not for me, it wasn't.  After reading the list I found that I was trying to pinpoint what stage I was experiencing and what was next.  Yeah, well it doesn't work that way, not for me anyway.  There is no this step, now that step.  It is more like this step, that step, back to the previous step and so on.  I found I was putting more thought into what phase I was in instead of actually dealing with the greif.  A sort of defensive mechanism.  I was so busy sorting out stages I wasn't grieving.

Not grieving sounds lovely, but it is important.  Gotta do it, it is just that simple.  Grieving, for me, isn't just crying although that is certainly part of the process.  Grieving was thinking about Donny and my life with him and how I was now that he is not here.  I say "was" because that was grieving not so long ago.  Now my grieving is different.  I still cry, not as much as I did, but I am finding my feet under me more and more.  I am still wobbly at times.  I will go through a day or days of feeling like I can stand and breathe and then a wave of emotion will wash over me.  Sometimes I tear up and sometimes I dissolve into tears.  I was trying to predict what would trigger those waves, but I found that just going with the flow was better.

I am finding my new new routines of life.  I find solace in the things it takes to get me through my days.  Little things.  Things like using my GPS app on my phone to get someplace I know how to get to.  The new routes build on this life I live now that I have lost my best guy.  Doing the same things I have always done made my sorrow so much more profound.  It seemed that the only thing different was that Donny wasn't here.

I am learning I am different, for good and bad.  The bad is obvious.  The good is getting to know myself more fully.  I listen to myself and keep moving to what feels right.  Just because I have 'always' done something in a certain way doesn't mean I need to continue that.  I am trying to be open to what the world has in store for me.  I am moving forward.  Moving on would mean leaving Donny behind.  He will be with me always, so I move forward, not on.  Part of this feeling 'right' was that Donny told me one of the things he loved most about me was my confidence.  Remembering that helps, especially when I am feeling scared, sad or lonely.  Donny once told me that our love would gone on until the end of time.  Yup, he was right.  Thank you Donny.

Thanks for reading,
The Hopeful Romantic

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