Wednesday, April 19, 2017

6 Months

For the past week I have been telling myself that tomorrow is just another day on the calendar.  Tomorrow is 6 months since I lost Donny.  Oddly, it is also a Thursday, the same day of the week as that day 6 months ago.  There is not really any significance there, but I keep looking for something that will get me through.

Don has been gone every day of these last 6 months, so why should tomorrow feel any different?  One more day of getting up, getting dressed and going to work.  There will still be chores at home that need doing and my animals will still need my care and attention.  With all of that in mind I am feeling numb for the first time in quite a while.  I am more focused on that coming date that most everything else.  I am on auto pilot.

I know that everyone grieves in a different way.  For me I fell apart in those first few weeks.  That is not new for me.  In my journey on this planet I have learned that I fall apart in the beginning and then I get my feet under me and move forward.  The severity of what knocked me down dictates how long I fall apart.  Losing Donny really knocked me down.  You knew that, right?  I get back up, carry on and then get knocked down again...and again.  The times on my feet seem to be growing in duration. Except for the past week or so.  I have felt like my heart is heavier, that my feet are leaden and that I wear of a cloak of sadness.  I keep trying the things that I know work for me.  I love to sing along with the radio, but not so much right now.  The songs all seem sad.  Funny cat videos on Facebook (yup, I love them!) can draw me in.  Funny shows on TV barely draw a smile from me.  I have had a hard time approaching this milestone.

Maybe that is why I am struggling.  One more marker of my life without my best guy.  Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, his birthday, Valentines Day and now 6 months.  My body aches.  There are tears right behind my eyes more often than not recenly.  I have to tell you I still can't believe his is gone.  Gone and not coming back.  No growing old together.  No nothing for us.  Our time is in the past. Now it is just me.

I have a life to live and I am living that life.  I am getting through.

Thank goodness tomorrow is a work day for me.  8 hours of taking care of other peoples problems will help to distract me from the day on that calendar.  Dinner after work with friends will be part of the balm that my broken heart needs.  

Tomorrow is just one more day on the calendar.  One more day that Donny will still be gone and one more day that I will still miss him.

The Hopeful Romantic

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