Sunday, April 9, 2017

A Jumble of Emotions

Normally when I sit down to write a new post for this blog I have an idea of what I want to talk about.  The post title comes easily and then I just type.  It is rather like a stream of consciousness, only I edit it before clicking the 'publish' button.  What makes sense to me might be a little hard to follow, you know?

Normally is not the way today is going.  Or the last few days for that matter.  I have cried more in the past three days than I have in weeks.  I wish I could say I understood exactly what this is, but I can't.  I am a jumble of emotions, one on top of another, all fighting to be the dominant one and not a one of them a 'good' emotion.

I suppose that all emotions are 'good' for me as I go through this journey of grief.  Everyone tells me that I need to let it come.  Give myself time.  Go easy on myself.  I think of one of those word clouds where all the words associated with something are crowded into a space, the words going every which way.  Here is one I just made.  You will notice that some of the words are upside down and backwards.  This fits the way I am feeling.

I would have sworn that I was past the crying jags, the hopelessness taking up residence in my soul.  Well, I am learning about grief.  No rule book, no how-to's, no easy to follow steps to get you through.  Just wing it.  Go with the flow.  Yup, that is what I have been doing  I probably told you that I was living with the idea of "do it if it feels right."  This notion came to me pretty early on and has served me well.  

Leave our bedroom and sleep in another room? Do it.
Bring the dog in the bedroom instead of putting her in her kennel at night? Do it.
Rearrange the dining room to make it your new living room? Do it.
These are just a sampling of things that changed because "it feels right."

Unfortunately, the last few days not much has felt right.  I wander around the house trying to figure out what to do.  There is so much to do, but I am overwhelmed.  So nothing gets done.  Well, almost nothing.  Just the basics.  Laundry to see me through my work week, meals when I feel like eating, caring for my animals. paying bills.

I know I will get to a place of more peace, of joy even.  But, for now, I will do my best to remain standing as these waves of grief roll over me.  I will remember the good times with Donny.  There were so many.  It may be odd, but thinking about Donny helps me.  I was happy and I will be happy again.  Just not today.

The Hopeful Romantic

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